Couples often believe the easiest solution to frequent arguments that appear unresolvable is to threaten separation and divorce. Divorce is the last choice to resolve what initially may appear as unreconcilable differences. Marriages require the willingness on both parties to rebalance needs, expectations, hopes, on a consistent basis at various stress points and change which occur throughout a long term relationship. Clear, direct communication, hearing each other in an accurate manner is necessary to produce effective changes for both parties. Couples often require refresher courses and new skills to promote a growth oriented exchange during stressful times, in particular.

Come join the Columbia Counseling Center team who provide an integrated approach to promoting and strengthening the bonds between partners in relationships. Individual and couples therapy are offered simultaneously to promote more rapid and productive identification of issues that require resolution to enhance the lost intimacy and positive communication and interaction between partners.

The Social Consequences of Being Overweight

While being fat was once seen as a sign of wealth and comfort, most people almost automatically assume that someone is overweight or obese because they overeat on pizza, cheeseburgers and ice cream. But it’s not that simple. We live in a society in which you can get great tasting, high-calorie, high fat foods at any time of the day or night. They actually have a name for this: “the obesogenic society.” Some obese people may have jobs that require them to work seated for long hours and just don’t have the time or energy to exercise. And, food is ALWAYS THERE. This results in eating many more calories than their level of activity can burn off and leads to constant gain weight.

Overweight and obese people may feel strongly stigmatized and experience discrimination because of their weight. Discrimination usually begins during early school years, when overweight persons are not chosen for school teams, and this discrimination extends into adult life. In schools and colleges, obese students face harassment, rejection from peers, and biased attitudes from teachers. At work, obese people commonly report they have experienced humiliation and discrimination related to their weight – such as not getting promotions. Obese employees are often viewed as less competent, sloppy, and lacking in self-discipline by co-workers and supervisors.

What can be done to reduce the stigma of obesity?

You have a voice at work and at home. You don’t have to accept discrimination in school or in your workplace. It’s okay to share with your co-workers that YOU ARE NOT YOUR WEIGHT.  Also, if you are trying to lose weight you should be sure to surround yourself with supportive, caring friends and family members. Be open about your weight loss goals and ask explicitly for a helping and motivating hand. Supportive friends and family are a vital part of your weight loss program

Finally, take the word “diet” out of your dictionary and vocabulary. Diets don’t work. Lifestyle change does. Eat healthier foods…eat smaller portions…exercise at least 30 minutes a day. And think happy thoughts.

Columbia Counseling is here to help you on your journey to a natural, healthy weight. Our caring therapists and medical staff can help you to look at your lifestyle and help you understand what you might do to successfully achieve your weight loss goals. Call us  at 410- 992 – 9149 for an initial appointment to begin a rational, sustainable and effective weight loss program.

Winter depression is sometimes called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and affects between 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population. Another 10 to 20 percent of the population may suffer from more mild winter “blues.” SAD is more common in women, between the ages of 20-50, and is thought to be caused by the shorter hours of daylight the winter brings during its colder months of the year January and February.  Although the specific cause of this disorder isn’t known, some biological factors such as the circadian rhythm, which helps regulate the body’s internal clock, may be disrupted with the decreased amount sunlight in fall and winter. Also, the decreased amount of light may also cause a biochemical imbalance of the neurotransmitters serotonin and the sleep-related hormone melatonin in the brain.

As a psychiatrist I usually treat winter depression with antidepressant medication and individual or group psychotherapy, but I also use “light box therapy.”  Light box therapy uses a very strong source of broad-spectrum light for a half-hour or hour each day during the winter months to replace the missing hours of daylight. Research has shown that some people with SAD who are exposed to bright light treatments experience relief from depression because the light therapy mimics outdoor light and is thought to cause a biochemical change in the brain that improves mood.

Tips for Coping with Seasonal Affective Disorder

Besides using anti-depressant medication, individual group and light box therapies there are other very effective ways to deal with SAD and other types of depression.

Exercise – Physical exercise has huge health benefits. It’s one of the most powerful ways to prevent and treat depression. One of the first things I ask my patients is to become more active, “just start moving.” For example, instead of eating lunch at your desk, take a midday walk to get as much sun as possible (there’s that light thing again) and to breathe in fresh air.

Work space-try to locate where you sit in your office so that you are next to a window and are exposed to sunlight during the workday.  One of the things I’ve always put high on my priorities is to always have a window in my own office. Open the window for fresh air even in winter.

Sugar-Cut back on the amount of sugar and high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) in your diet. They have been shown to cause increased swings in mood and directly impact your brain function. All of us have experienced a “sugar rush” and “sugar crash” as your body uses up the sugar in your blood.

Foods-Eat protein and complex carbohydrates such as whole grains, fruits, and vegetables at every meal. Less sunlight means less Vitamin D and you can get Vitamin D from milk, most whole grain cereals and fish, especially cod, herring and sardines.

Greyhound Therapy- If it’s in your budget, get out of town and go someplace sunny. Just a change of scenery by itself can help you feel better.

Seek Professional Help-if the depression gets so bad that you find it difficult to get through the day, it’s important that you talk with someone about your struggles and depression. You are not alone and we can get through this working together.

Remember, if you have SAD, unless you live in Alaska or Greenland, the sun will shine, the air will get warm and you will feel better and more alive as the depression melts away with the snow.

Why can’t just take a pill and lose weight?

The pharmaceutical companies are in a desperate multi-BILLION dollar race for an effective and safe “weight loss pill”. But they have failed in their search because feeling hungry or feeling full is based upon hormones in your body. The hormone levels constantly change depending on how much energy your body needs and how much and what type of foods you eat.

The most important hormones that control when and how much you eat are called Ghrelin and Leptin. There are other hormones such as Peptide YY, Adiponectin, Cholecystokinin, and Pancreatic polypeptide which are all involved in this energy balance but the main hormones are Grehlin and Leptin.Grehlin and leptin act together, but in opposite ways, to control your urge to eat or to stop eating. Grehlin tells your body to eat because it needs energy and Leptin lets your body know when it is full so you stop eating.

But it gets even more complicated. The level of Ghrelin, which is also called the ‘hormone of hunger,” is affected by many factors such as the type of food you eat, sleep deprivation, being overweight and drinking sweetened soda. Almost everyone drinks soda but grehlin levels don’t decrease after meals if you drink a lot of soda so you still feel hungry. The next time you buy a soda don’t buy the 64 ounce size or even better, drink water with your meals. Because it takes about 20 minutes for the hormones to interact and for you to feel full after you start to eat, always stop eating before you feel full.

When the pharmaceutical companies first discovered Leptin they thought it might be the “anti-fat” miracle drug and they spent an enormous amount of money on research and advertising. But it quickly became obvious that taking leptin or ghrelin as a pill does not control appetite or help people normalize their weight. Because of the difficulty in isolating these hormones and using them in a weight loss pill, don’t expect to see them in the ingredients listed on the pill boxes any time soon.

Prescription weight loss pills

But if we don’t have a pill that can specifically raise and lower the levels of Grhelin and Leptin (and the other appetite hormones) in our bodies, then what kind of pill CAN we take for weight loss? Most weight-loss medications you buy at drug stores, groceries or get by prescription are “appetite suppressant” medications and usually come in tablets or extended-release capsules. Appetite suppressants promote weight loss by tricking the body into believing that it is not hungry or that it is full by increasing brain chemicals, such as serotonin and norepinephrine, that affect mood and appetite.

Fat absorption inhibitors, another type of weight loss pills, work by preventing your body from breaking down and absorbing fat from the foods you eat. The fat which your body can’t digest goes out of your body in bowel movements and many people complain of oily stools, gas and frequent bowel movements. These side effects are especially bad with a high fat diet and can really be embarrassing. Fat absorption inhibitors also reduce the absorption of fat soluble vitamins A, D, E and K so you should take supplements containing these missing nutrients along with the fat absorption inhibitor.

But what about other side effects besides the oily stools? Luckily, the side effects of most weight loss medications are usually mild and become less bothersome the longer you take the medication.

Some of the common side effects of the different medications include increased heart rate and blood pressure, sweating, constipation, problems sleeping, excessive thirst, lightheadedness, headaches and anxiety. But some serious and even fatal outcomes from taking weight loss medications have also been reported. The most tragic example is the use of the appetite suppressor “phen-fen” which caused severe damage to the heart and lungs.

There is still little information on how safe and effective weight-loss medications are if you take them for more than just a few months.You should not expect to reach a “normal” body weight using just medications because most people have individual reactions to any most types of medications, and some people lose more weight than others.

Most people who take weight-loss medications lose about 10 pounds more than people who don’t take weight loss pills. Most weight loss occurs within 6 months of starting the medicine and then your weight will level off or even increase. Sadly, most people will regain the weight they lost when they stop taking weight-loss medications.The best weight loss pills on the market can be a big help for people who are struggling with losing weight.

If you combine weight loss pills with an exercise program and a healthy diet, prepared in a natural way, of fresh meats, fish and whole grains, you’ll see even faster results than you would without them.

Even if you don’t take weight loss pills, because obesity is a chronic disease, you should definitely include regular physical activity and a healthy diet to improve health and to reach and maintain a normal weight. A weight loss of even 5 to 10 percent of your body weight, for example from 200 pounds to 180 pounds, can markedly improve your health.

Come join the Columbia Counseling Center team who provide an integrated approach to promoting and strengthening the bonds between partners in relationships. Individual and couples therapy are offered simultaneously to promote more rapid and productive identification of issues that require resolution to enhance the lost intimacy and positive communication and interaction between partners.

February is National Eating Disorders Awareness Month. Eating disorders effect 1 or 2 out of every 100 children and are becoming more common, but many children and adults are able to hide eating disorders from their families for months or even years because they wear loose fitting clothes and appear to eat a healthy diet. Several of the causes for this increase in eating disorders include constant pressure from sports, movies, television and magazines to be abnormally slender. Many sports such as wrestling and gymnastics dance and acting also make weight and body image a huge issue. If you don’t weigh what the coach or director wants, you don’t compete in the big meet or get the best part in the play. Magazines at the grocery checkout, where I get my up-to-date medical information, always have articles featuring the thinnest people.

The two most common eating disorders are anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. Anorexia and bulimia are very similar, but people with anorexia are usually very thin and underweight and people with bulimia may be a normal weight or even overweight. People with anorexia or bulimia frequently have an intense fear of being fat or think that they are fat even if their weight is normal. People with eating disorders also can have serious physical health problems, such as heart conditions or kidney failure and in severe cases suffer from severe malnutrition and may even die. The best-known example of a tragic outcome from an eating disorder is that of Karen Carpenter, the great singer, who died of heart problems after struggling for years with anorexia nervosa.

People with anorexia have an extreme fear of weight gain and a distorted view of their body size and shape and try to maintain a very low body weight. Some restrict their food intake by dieting or exercising for hours. The small amount of food they do eat becomes an obsession. People with anorexia become very thin; weigh themselves at least once a day; count calories and portion the food they eat very carefully; only eat certain foods; withdraw from social activities; and may door poorly in school because they get lightheaded and are unable to concentrate because they are starving.

Compared to people with anorexia who eat almost nothing, people with bulimia usually eat a huge amount of food, such as pizza, cakes, cookies or ice cream that almost dissolve in your mouth without chewing. They only stop eating when they are too full to eat any more or run out of food. Then they try to get rid of the calories they ate by vomiting, exercise for hours or use laxatives to not gain weight. People with bulimia also have health problems because constant vomiting can damage your stomach and kidneys; cause tooth decay from the stomach acids you throw up; and the loss of minerals such as potassium which can lead to heart problems and death.

I treat children and adults who have eating disorders by helping them to establish new patterns of thinking about food and to deal with their disordered eating patterns. I help children to think about their body size, shape, eating, and food. I also use nutritional counseling, and individual and family therapy because parents and other family members are vital to help children see their normal body shape is fine and that being excessively thin can be dangerous.

As a mother, your own eating habits and how your deal with your own body image is a great influence on how your children think about food and how they look. Create a healthy lifestyle for your family by involving your kids shopping for and cooking healthy, nutritious meals. In addition to the nutritious meals, make exercise a fun, rewarding, and regular family activity.

BRIEF SENTENCE ON THE AUTHOR

Dr. Grubb is Board Certified in Adult and Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and is a member of the Behavioral Health Team at the National Naval Medical Center at Bethesda, MD specializing in pediatric and family issues with weight. Dr. Grubb is a staff psychiatrist at the Columbia Counseling Center and can be reached by contacting the Center.

Men and Women in the Military. Studies also show a higher-than-average risk for eating disorders in men and women in the military. A study of eating behavior on one Army base reported that 8% of the women had an eating disorder, compared to 1 – 3% in the civilian female population.

An experienced couples therapist once told me that “good communication and persistence would cure most problems.” I recall challenging his advice at that time, suggesting that some people marry for the wrong reasons, that sometimes there has been “too much water over the dam” – that is, their problems have persisted and become so complex that they can’t be resolved. Clearly there are a myriad of challenges to developing and maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship. After years of treating a wide variety of couples, I would agree that persistence and good communication are integral components of the coping strategies that couples require as they face challenges in their lives. With these thoughts in mind, here are a few communication basics that may assist you and your partner as you hit the speed bumps of life.

Active listening requires you to repeat the other person’s words in your head as they are speaking. If you practice this technique it forces you to pay acute attention to everything that they are saying. You are actually using active listening right now as you read the words on this page and repeat them in your mind. O.K. you each have one another’s attention so try some other techniques.

Avoid accusations by using “I Statements” like: I think…, I’d like…, I feel…, rather than “You Statements” such as : you never…, you always… . “ You Statements” are accusatory and will result in the escalation of an argument. “I Statements” simply tell your partner about your needs. “I think you’re an idiot” doesn’t work! That is an accusation using “you are” as the preface to your comment. “I am an idiot” would be O.K. – it is an “I Statement” and might be appropriate at the moment.

Stay in the here and now by focusing on the present. Obviously, we can’t change history and ,as someone once said:”those who ignore history are bound to repeat it.” So we may need to work though issues of the past but that is accomplished by using all of the communication techniques in concert with each other. If we want to modify behavior, we can be aware and sensitive to issues in the past but it would be advisable not to beat each other over the head with them. “There you go again just like you did last week(bringing up history), you’ll never change!”(accusation – you statement). This is ineffective and just escalates the argument so let’s agree to focus on the problems as we are experiencing them now. I usually tell couples who are in treatment to only discuss the past when they are in the office and, at least initially, have access to a referee.

Honesty is integral to any relationship. If you don’t have it, there will be problems and a rocky road ahead. This is not just being honest – telling the truth about what you have done or what you are doing. This concept also includes honesty with respect to your feelings. Hopefully, as we have all matured, we realize that it is always easier to tell the truth. So, it is important to express our feelings to one another in an open and honest manner.

Emotional expressiveness is a necessary component of an effective relationship and is often a criticism that individuals level against their partner. That is: “my partner doesn’t tell me how he/she feels.” In fact, effective couples therapy should focus on helping couples to relate to one another on a feelings basis. A useful communication tool is the use of this phrase: “When X.. happens, I feel Y… .” For example: “When you watch the television news at the dinner table, I feel ignored.” This is more effective than: “You’re ignoring me!”(accusation). Remember, accusations may lead to escalation of arguments. So, when your partner says or does something that makes you feel good, or bad, give them feedback.

It is critically important that we are each sensitive to the impact of our behavior on the other person. If we practice this concept in our relationships there would be an improvement in all of our interactions. In addition, both members of the couple must agree to use these techniques or they will not be very effective. Finally, and perhaps obviously, you can’t make a relationship happen by yourself ! If both members of the couple have the same goals, then persistence and good communication will solve most problems.

If you and your partner have reached an impass in your relationship and might benefit from seeing a couples therapist, call the Center for immediate, professional response to your concerns.

Dr. Ken Ellis is the Executive Director for the Columbia Counseling Center

In a study conducted with 2267 middle and high school students in a suburb of Washington, D.C. 3.3% of the responding students showed symptoms of SAD.  The study concluded that between 1.7% and 5.5% of children between the ages of 9-19 might have SAD.  They also speculated that there is a relationship between SAD and puberty.

Symptoms: here are some of the changes to look for in your child if you suspect SAD (seasonal affective disorder):

• sadness
• anxiety/irritability
• feeling tired
• increase in “junk food” cravings
• headaches
• difficulty doing schoolwork
• difficulty in concentrating
• loss of desire to take part in activities
• withdrawal from family & friends
• crying spells
• temper tantrums
• problems with memory

In his book Winter Blues, Dr Norman E. Rosenthal ( a leading researcher at the National Institute of Health)states that you must approach this “emphatically and tactfully”.   Dr. Rosenthal suggests that you try showing how, in nature, people and animals deal with the changes of seasons. – Once the presence of SAD is accepted, destigmatized, and regarded as a manageable fact of life, and once the child or adolescent is recruited as a collaborator in the treatment process rather than the object of it, all specific suggestions become much easier to implement.”

Dealing with SAD will take organization on you and your child’s part. You may find that what works for adults, works with kids:

• Help your child wake up in the morning (i.e. a light next to the bed with a timer, a dawn simulator, a radio alarm clock).
• Encourage your child to wake up on his/her own as much as possible.
• Encourage your child to participate in sports/leisure activities that offer an opportunity to be outdoors during daylight hours.
• Make sure they get enough light whether it be natural or from a light therapy device.

Full spectrum high definition light therapy devices are available and can be easily researched and purchased on the internet. (helpful links will be added soon). If the symptoms listed above do not improve with the implementation of these suggestions, please contact our office to set up an appointment for further assessment.

Theresa Smith, MS, LCPC, NCC. Ms. Smith can be reached by calling the Center at 410-992-9149.

Anxiety and depression come in varying degrees with different causes. They may arise from situational problems.  These may include difficulties in a relationship such as marriage, problems with money, and performance problems in school or work that may produce anxiety, depression or both. Family difficulties are also often a source of distress. It is hard to believe 50% of marriages end in divorce, but only 40% of people get divorced. How is that difference possible? Some people get divorced, two, three or more times, so the statistics on divorce go up but the people are the same.

Some people have anxiety or depression or both and yet nothing in their life experience appears to be the cause. For some, emotional problems are genetic in origin and there is a history of the difficulty in the family. The depression or anxiety seems to hit like lightening, seemingly out of no where. In other cases a trauma is the cause of problems precipitating either or both anxiety and depression. Trauma may come from witnessing a tragedy, violence, or being hit on the head in a car crash. X-Rays, EEG, cat-scan may reveal nothing, yet emotional problems emerge.

So what do you do?  Most people initially go to their primary care doctor. Some primary care doctors will take time to talk to their patients and family. Pediatricians are often better than doctors of internal medicine at talking with their patients and parents. Whether you are depressed or anxious, the most common medicine prescribed will be an antidepressant. Most antidepressants are prescribed by primary care physicians, not psychiatrists. Unfortunately, over-burdened primary care physicians often do not follow up but leave it to their patient to set up another appointment if something is not working. Further, most patients I have seen are not aware of side effects that they may be having from their medication.

The most common prescribed antidepressant last month was Lexapro simply because it was the newest. Next month it may not be. Lexapro has three virtues. It helps both anxiety and depression. It works within five days, not the eight weeks it takes many of the older antidepressants, and one tablet a day works as well as two or three. It has only two frequent draw backs: weight gain and in both men and women, interference with sexual performance and interest.

Many physicians are reluctant to prescribe anti-anxiety pills. They worry it is addicting and I have seen patients addicted to Xanax. Unfortunately, Xanax lasts only three hours. As it leaves your system you may have a resurgence of anxiety as a result of withdrawal and take another one immediately. If you are afraid of flying that is no problem. You take one pill, perhaps Xanax, ½ hour before flight time. The plane takes off you are fine. The pill wears off but you know you are landing in one hour and there is no further anxiety. Another common anxiety medication is Klonopin. It starts in thirty minutes and lasts eight hours. It wears off slowly and you don’t have rebound anxiety and so don’t need another one immediately.  Knowing you have the pill is itself reassuring so you may not even bother to take it. Every antidepressant has to be taken every day and the doctor will tell you to stay on it for a year. I have seen patients on Paxil or Zoloft who have been on the medication for four years, gained forty pounds, but thought it was just a part of the depression. Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft have remission rates of 35%. But 70% of people have some degree of relief though not a total loss of symptoms. So it is easy to misinterpret what is going on.

You may choose to see a psychiatrist to help you with your emotional concerns. Most psychiatrists will see you for 45 minutes the first time and tell you to come back in two weeks. They will then see you for twenty minutes to follow up. The third time they may see you for 15 minutes. Follow-up visits allow the doctor to assess symptoms and side effects and titrate your medicine.  Picking an antidepressant is not obvious. They vary person to person both in effectiveness and side effects and only trial and error provides a clue.  Fifty percent of people who start an anti-depressant will switch to another.

You may have gone to see a mental health professional. Psychologists will have Dr. in front of their name. Social workers, nurses or professional counselors will be called Mr. or Ms. Some mental health professionals may discuss medication with you and others may think it is not their responsibility. You may have started with a counselor and the presenting problem lessened quickly. The average length of psychotherapy, to use a more technical term, is six sessions. Many individuals are helped to better cope through a long-term involvement. Many people see a therapist as well as take medication and all evidence is that for depression the combination of the two is more effective than either one alone.For some people an antidepressant or tranquillizer is sufficient. They may have not had that much to say and they thought the therapist was boring. In other cases they might have liked the therapist and felt it just wasn’t necessary to return. For some the experience with psychotherapy is profound.

Does therapy help? It depends who you ask. There are many different theoretical orientations to psychotherapy. Some tell you that you should have “evidence-based-therapy”. They maintain cognitive-behavioral therapy, a type of evidence-based therapy, has been shown to be the best. Cognitive therapy was radical in that it disposed of psychoanalytic therapy which involved exploring your childhood. Cognitive therapists maintain that you need to identify the ideas that are generating the distress and change your thinking. I am sure that works as well as anything else. Whatever the orientation, if your therapist has common sense and is responsive and warm, then you will feel helped. That is the only real evidence present in research as to what works. Talk helps when you are in distress and some conversations will be more constructive than others; especially the chance to discuss current problems, feelings and life experiences with a competent mental health professional.  There are individuals who despite taking multiple psychiatric medications participate in long term psychotherapy yet struggle with intermittent emotional difficulty. Without medication and psychotherapy their lives would be more profoundly compromised. The science is not yet complete and we do not all have the same emotional barometers in a challenging world.

Dr. Jeremy Kisch is a licensed clinical psychologist and has diplomate status with the Amerian Board of Professional Psychology.

The complexities of our interactions became the focus of a theoretic formulation known as Transactional Analysis. TA is a method of analyzing and understanding communications and interactions ( transactions) between individuals. The goal of TA is to eliminate dysfunctional behaviors and develop effective coping strategies in our relationships. Clients learn to identify disruptive interactions and replace them with direct, Adult – Adult, communications.

Eric Berne developed the concepts of TA after extensive study and training in traditional therapy and the practice of psychiatry and psychology. He suggested that we develop “life scripts” early in our development that influence how each individual chooses to live and behave. The role of therapeutic intervention would be to “re-write” destructive and self-limiting script messages.

As a result of problematic script messages and learned styles of interacting, Berne noted that we develop dysfunctional patterns – called Games – in which we intend to gain positive “strokes” but actually reinforce negative feelings. Further, Games can be a way of interacting while avoiding intimacy (intimacy here defined as revealing the “real self” to others). Take, for example, the game of “Psychiatry.” You meet someone at a party. He is quite engaging and asks many questions about you. He seems interested in you and appears to be a good listener. However, when the conversation ends, you realize that he has revealed nohting of himself – thus avoiding intimacy. A second example is a game called “General Motors.” Same party: a bunch of guys stand around talking about the virtues and limits of Camaros and Corvettes. In the end, after a discussion of camshafts, transmissions and engine displacement, they part knowing nothing about each other. They interacted, but easily and skillfully avoided any personal knowledge of one another.

You may have heard the saying: “No good turn goes unpunished.” If we offer to help someone who has not requested it, we force them into the role of a “Victim.” They can easily turn and become hostile toward us, shifting from “Victim” to “Persecutor.” Claude Steiner points out that we are encouraged to be selfless, generous and cooperative with people, even if they are deceitful, selfish, stingy and uncooperative with us. Engaging in this type of interaction is guaranteed to take us from the position of “Rescuer” to the “Victim” position while the so-called “Victim” becomes the “Persecutor.”

In the game of “Rescue,” the Rescuer (that’s you) views that problematic, needy person as the “Victim” and thinks: I’ll save you!” As the paradigm progresses, the “Rescuer” becomes the “Victim” and the “Victim” becomes the “Persecutor.” Let’s look at a real life example.

Archie (not his real name), a recovering alcoholic, was planning to go out on New Years’ Eve. He had tickets to a fancy gala and had rented a tuxedo. His date lived some distance away and he had planned to leave his house no later than six o’clock. Early in the afternoon, he received a call from Edith(not her real name) whom he had met at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. She was “in a jam” and asked if she could borrow his car for a brief errand. Archie quickly agreed (boosting his own ego and self esteem) and told her to return the vehicle by 4 o’clock . “No problem,” she replied, as Archie watched his watched his washed and freshly waxed car roll out of the driveway. Of course, 4 o’clock came and went with no sign of Edith. By 5 o’clock Archie, agitated and concerned, started calling some of Edith’s favorite haunts (bars). He located her at a neighborhood pub and asked her to bring the car back immediately – she (now drunk) hung up on him. Furious, he called the police and reported the car stolen. He told them where the vehicle could be found and the police went to the bar to confront Edith. When they arrived, Edith told them that Archie had assaulted her and she had “fled for her life!” She filed assault charges against Archie and the police arrested him! Archie spent the evening at the police station, in his tuxedo. By the time he had arranged bail and was released, it was too late to go out- Happy New Year, Archie! The “Rescuer” had become the “Victim” and the “Victim” had become the “Persecutor.”

There are countless examples of this paradigm: the house guest who never left; the loan that was never repaid. However, the key to avoiding the game of Rescue is to carefully analyze whether the alleged “Victim” is really a victim; or have they created their own problem. After all, we are each responsible for our own behaviors. What is the “payoff” for you as the “Rescuer?” If you can understand your own motivation and can take an objective look at the so-called victim, you may discover your own co-dependency or realize that you are “enabling” the pathology of the other person.